Executive coach and author Marshall Goldsmith wrote, “Feedback is a gift that only other can give.”  So, if feedback is a gift, why do so many of us struggle with giving and receiving it?
A lot of it has to do with power. Our motive may be to control people if we give feedback to someone. Our resistance to receiving feedback is possibly a resistance to change. 

It can be very useful to clarify the reason for giving feedback before doling it out.  Here are five different types of feedback and suggestions for each. 

Evaluation Feedback: This is the feedback type that is found the most in the workplace.Unfortunately, it is also the kind that is the least helpful. Evaluation feedback comes at the end. At the end of a year your performance is evaluated. After a week-long class is over. Once a project has been completed.  True, evaluation feedback will improve how we do it the next time, and we all need to be willing to rate ourselves.  But why not give and get feedback when we can learn from it real time?

Real-Time Performance Feedback: This type of feedback is usually given by someone whose success depends on you; for example your boss.  While it may be couched as an observation or something for you to think about, when someone shares performance feedback, they intend for you to change your behavior.

When you feel that you are receiving performance feedback from someone, it is helpful to be direct and clear.  Try asking, “what exactly would you like me to stop or start doing?” Once you get the feedback, make the change!

Fine-Tuning: With this type of feedback, you generally are hearing from someone who is very satisfied with the job you are doing, but see some areas where you can improve even more. One of the best examples I can give of fine-tuning feedback came from someone who participated in a course I gave.  She let me know how much she got out of the course, and then asked if she could give me some feedback.  She shared that when I nodded my head while listening to people in the audience, it made her feel as though I was rushing.  WOW!  This blew me away because I had no idea that my behavior was having this negative impact.

The key to giving fine-tuning feedback is to share the impact a behavior has on you or others.  The person who is giving you feedback doesn’t want to change you or even to control you in some way. By sharing how your behavior is impacting them – they give the receiver the opportunity to change or not.

Feed-Forward: Goldsmith came up with this one years ago. It means giving someone suggestions in advance about how to behave rather than waiting for them to fail and beating them up afterward. Years ago my husband was about to present to his company’s executive leadership team for the first time.  His boss gave him great feed-forward about how to dress, when to speak, how much detail to go into, etc.

Slap Upside the Head: Two years ago, a colleague who is also a great friend sat me down and said, “You are making yourself and others miserable.  What’s going on?”

Only very good friends can give slap upside the head feedback.  It consists of observations about you, that people share with you because they care about you. In his book, Who’s Got Your Back, Keith Ferrazzi gives some great examples of this feedback along with the assertion that we all desperately need people in our lives who care enough to give it.

The person who gives slap upside the head feedback isn’t trying to control you or change you for their sake. The feedback is given because they understand your personal goals and see how your behavior is keeping you from reaching those goals.
Summary
Those giving feedback:  Think through before giving feedback what the most appropriate form would be to achieve the intention you have for it.Don’t forget that if you are not someone’s superior, it is not appropriate to give evaluation feedback.  You can lead a horse to water . . .

Those on the receiving end of feedback:  remember that we are all unaware of how we come across at times, and feedback is the way we learn about these areas and have the opportunity to correct them.   Even if you ultimately disagree with the feedback, accept it as a gift from the person giving it. If it’s evaluation or performance feedback, you have a chance to change in order to do better in the eyes of others.  If it’s fine-tuning or slap upside the head feedback, you have the choice to change or not.

Wendy Mack is a consultant, speaker, and change catalyst who specializes in helping leaders mobilize energy for change, For more articles and resources on leading and communicating change visit: www.WendyMack.com.